Remember that scene in Fried Green Tomatoes where Cathy Bates’s character purposefully crashes her car into the car of the snarky young women who stole her parking spot? This scene is her breakthrough moment. She’s tired of being unseen and unheard. It’s at this moment we see her realize not just her worth, but her power too. The fire of midlife anger arises and she is transformed. Maybe you’re angry enough to drive your car into something or maybe your anger is a quieter, slow-burning flame. However bright and hot your anger burns, it’s important to recognize this is a common experience among midlife women. Let’s explore why.

     Some increase in irritability can be blamed on shifting hormones. We’ve talked about it before and we’ll talk about it again because every woman needs to know this: as we move through perimenopause and into our post-menopausal years the hormonal veil that has kept us biologically primed to be caregivers begins to lift. This means that we no longer get the same satisfaction from caretaking we once did. The problem is life doesn’t magically alter the fact that most of us still find ourselves in caretaking positions just because we enter this stage. This can cause anger and resentment as our needs and desires bump up against the needs and desires of those we’ve been tending. Our advice? Give your clueless energy vampires this information, tell them it’s not personal, and give them the gift of self-sufficiency where possible.
     
     Alongside the lifting of the hormonal veil is an almost universal upheaval in our partnerships. As I was typing “partnerships” I inadvertently typed “partnershifts”. Yep. Sounds about right. For some of us, these shifts come from years of unexpressed feelings. Many of us can simply no longer tolerate the inequalities and irritants we used to. As Dr. Christian Northrup states, “The gonadotropin-releasing hormone (GnRH) pulses associated with menopause prime the brain for new perceptions–and subsequently for new behavior. It’s very common for women to become more irritable, even downright angry, about things that were more easily overlooked before. Long before we begin to feel hot flashes from hormonal levels, our brains undergo changes in the hypothalamus, the place where GnRH is produced. This same brain region is key for experiencing, and ultimately expressing, emotions such as anger.”

     Another reason midlife anger is so prevalent is that many women in midlife find themselves under enormous stress, which in turn leads them to feeling angry and burned out. This is why radical self-care is crucial right now. The inevitable cascade of bodily changes that accompany the drop in estrogen during this time can leave us reeling and feeling a lack of control over our lives. Many of us experience health crises that force us to slow down. The food we’ve always eaten may no longer serve us, our softer bellies may belie our hard efforts toward healthy eating and exercise, we may not recognize the woman we see in the mirror. It’s no wonder we end up feeling caught off guard and yes, even angry, at these changes. Engaging in daily self-care can be key to dealing with stress and accepting these physical changes as they arise. 

     There’s also a quiet voice that begins to edge into our consciousness during midlife that tells us that life is too short for all this bullshit. We don’t have time to waste. Now, your bullshit is likely different than mine, and some of it is of our own making. Today mine feels like the importance of clean floors. Sometimes it’s something that needs addressing on a larger scale, something that requires us to use our voice, make a change, take a stand. And this is where the beauty of midlife anger comes in. 

It helps to remember that midlife is a developmental stage just like puberty. It often comes with a side of anger. We must move through it and use the old adage that we must “feel it in order to heal it”. When we truly allow ourselves to feel what we’re feeling, anger can be the great guide, motivator for change, and transformer it’s intended to be in this stage. That being said, we also don’t want to walk around angry all the time. This doesn’t serve our health or the health of our relationships. Here are a few tips for managing anger:

• Create time for pleasure and self-care daily.
• Get moving— Do you need the grounding of restorative yoga? A boxing class? A long walk? The idea is to use the body as a vehicle for the anger, only you can decide what will work for you.
• Lavender, Sweet orange, Vetiver, and Roman Chamomile essential oils can be helpful. 
• Incorporate meditation and/or Yoga Nidra into your daily life
• Use the anger as a lens for anything that needs re-working in your life. It’s a sign and it’s usually meaningful. It’s asking for your attention.
• Recognize you aren’t alone. Talk to other women in midlife. They’ll validate you and share their own anger. Post on our closed Facebook group for support. 

Using the analogy of anger as fire and remembering fire as the great transformer it is, we can begin to see and use it as a tool. It’s meant to guide us out of the ash as we rise to meet the challenges and power inherent in our 3rd age. We leave you with the following quote from Soraya Chemaly’s book, Rage Becomes Her:
“Anger is an assertion of rights and worth. It is communication, equality, and knowledge. It is intimacy, acceptance, fearlessness, embodiment, revolt, and reconciliation. Anger is memory and rage. It is rational thought and irrational pain. Anger is freedom, independence, expansiveness, and entitlement. It is justice, passion, clarity, and motivation. Anger is instrumental, thoughtful, complicated, and resolved. In anger, whether you like it or not, there is truth.

Your anger is a gift you give to yourself and the world that is yours. In anger, I have lived more fully, freely, intensely, sensitively, and politically. If ever there was a time not to silence yourself, to channel your anger into healthy places and choices, this is it.”

May you burn bright,
Ashley and Heather